Keeping your Wholeness

It randomly occurred to me that I struggle everyday with maintaining my wholeness. By that I mean the me that existed before I had children and gave myself away.

Something that most women don’t discuss with each other, or anyone else for that matter, is how much motherhood strips you (or tries desperately) of who you are. Maybe not for women who become mothers earlier in life, but for those of us who become mothers in our 30’s and beyond. Keeping a hold of yourself and who you have created yourself to be, is a task that must be worked on day in and day out. I remember when I found out that I was pregnant with my first child, I did nothing but cry for the first month. I didn’t just cry because I was afraid, which I was. I was terrified. But I cried because I knew deep down that the person who I was, was soon to be no longer. I knew that it was going to be a struggle to give myself away, if only for a moment, while I harbored this new identity that needed to be brought out. The first few years of motherhood were a constant struggle for me. I constantly battled with who I was becoming and who I was leaving behind. And fighting it in myself only caused me depression and resentment. Resentment towards my sweet innocent child who had no idea what was happening in the world around her. But I couldn’t help it, I had to go through that rough period to come out on the other side. Now, seven and a half years and two children later, I am finally starting to come out of the veil of only being a mother, and relearning who I am. I am finally giving myself permission without guilt to explore passions that I put aside, and finally allowing myself to learn who I have become. I am no longer the person I used to be before I had my kids. That woman is gone and I mourned her passing with great pain. But I am now a new version of that. A more confident, unapologetic version of who I was. And that is certainly exciting to discover.

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